It was probably around early 2018 when the bones of the manuscript started forming. I began by pulling together a rough list of all the plants/flowers and events I wanted to write about and illustrate. From there, I fleshed each memory out into a story that included more details about that period of time in my life, and if there were any lessons I learned or pivotal moments that affected me deeply. To pitch this to a publisher, I needed to have the manuscript finished ahead of time so that they could get a good feel for what the book was about because it was so different from my others. With a ton of advice and editing help from my agent, the manuscript went through at least 5 or 6 drafts. I worked on it throughout all of 2018 and for a good chunk of 2019. Some chapters, specifically “Fiddlehead Ferns” about my wedding and the epilogue about Tater were added at the end because those experiences hadn’t happened yet when I started. In those initial drafts I sent to my agent, there was seriously so much material. My agent was a miracle worker, helping me whittle it down to something cohesive and refined-looking by the end.
Working on the manuscript was surprisingly very emotional for me. I didn’t expect it to be that intense, but it was like going to therapy and exorcising some demons. While working on certain chapters, I discovered that there were a few experiences in my life I hadn’t fully worked through or gotten over yet. Working on the “Boston Fern” chapter, which is about Spanky dying, was really difficult and I had a hard time reading back over it with each draft. The “Standing Funeral Wreath” chapter, about my dad’s unexpected death and his funeral was also deeply painful to revisit. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by without me thinking about either Spanky or my dad, but it was agonizing to relive the worst moments about those experiences. I certainly didn’t have to include those in my book, but it was almost a feeling like I had to. Like there were things about those experiences still living inside me that needed to come out. I keep a lot inside, and those two particular experiences follow me around like ghosts. My dad’s death resurfaces in dreams regularly, though luckily not as frequently as I’ve gotten older. After Spanky died, I spent months replaying the absolute worst moments about it over and over in my head, ruminating over my actions and almost loathing myself for all of the things I should have done differently. These things might always haunt me a little bit, but there is honestly a noticeable reduction after writing this book. I think I had to revisit a lot of things that had happened to me, to look through it all in a different, older lens. Working on this book really was like sitting down with a therapist and purging some of the pain and grief that had taken up permanent residence inside me.
But not everything was tormenting to write. A lot of the memories I talk about in my book are happy things, full of nostalgic warmth and contentment that felt really good to reflect on. I particularly enjoyed revisiting some of my favorite memories from growing up with my sister. Our childhood was carefree and simple, so writing about it was both soothing and comforting. Possibly my favorite chapter to write was the one about marrying Joby. Our wedding day is still my most favorite day of my life and I really delighted in having the chance to relive all the little and big moments that made that day such a joy.
Once the manuscript was refined enough to be finished in mid-2019, I created 3 sample illustrations to show how I planned on illustrating the book. The manuscript and artwork samples were organized into an official book proposal, and it was pitched by my agent and eventually sold to my current publisher. In order to release the book the following summer, I only had about 2 months to finish the rest of the illustrations that were due on October 15, 2019. That was the fastest deadline I’d ever had to work with! There were many long days and late nights getting everything completed on time. Even though I get really stressed out and a little crazy once a looming deadline nears, deep down I really love it. As the cliché goes, I freaking thrive under pressure. It’s probably when I do some of my best work. There’s always a moment or two when I’m about to finish a book and I begin to panic, thinking about what I’m going to work on when it’s done. The pressure and intense work become my new normal and it’s a little disorienting once that’s over. Book projects are real beasts to get through, but I love every single part of it.
Early on, when I was brainstorming ideas with my agent, one of the books that inspired us was Love, Loss, and What I Wore by Ilene Beckerman. What I really loved about that book was how the author seemed to simply talk about her life in a very personal way, not really giving advice or anything, just telling stories. It felt so relatable and comforting to read about her experiences. I thought about how fulfilling and special it would feel if I could create something that a stranger might relate to in a similar way.
